Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,
Darqstar
darqstar

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In which I argue with Jesse...and lose.

*Author's Note: Yes, I can understand cat. Really I can. I can translate meows into English. I can't translate English into Meows, but my cats can do that.

So, I bought a container of cookies today. These are basic cookies with chocolate chips in them. I remember Chrissy used to snag my sugar cookies once in awhile, resulting in a hyper cat who squalked at me all the live-long day, so I soon learned not to let her near cookies. But, she was the first cat I ever had that showed any interest in cookies. Most cats, if you offer them a cookie, look at you like you offered them dogpoop on a stick.



I went into the kitchen a bit ago, and helped myself to a cookie. In an effort to curb my eating, I broke the cookie into peices. The plan was to take some peices of the cookie and nibble on those, but not eat the whole cookie. To leave the rest of the cookie in the kitchen, still in the container, far away enough that I'd hopefully forget about the cookie.

As I was doing my great preparations, Jesse leaps up on the stove and looks at me. "Mommy, whatcha doin?" (*yes, my cats meow in cute little street urchant slang. Don't argue with me, I'm right!)

"I'm helping myself to a cookie."

"Why are you breaking it?"

"Because Mommy has anger management issues and right now the cookie is the cause of all my troubles in the world." As the cookie is snapped into several peices (which, BTW, allows some of the calories to escape) crumbs scatter about.

Jesse looks at the crumbs. "What's a cookie?"

"It's human food. You won't like it."

"Why?"

"Because it has flour in it, and cats don't generally like flour. It has sugar in it, which cats don't like either. It has chocolate in it, which is a really bad thing for kitties, Plus, it has a million different chemicals and preservatives, which isn't good for cats either. Lookie, Mommy just poured you a fresh bowl of those organic crunchies!"

"Mommy, those organic crunchies taste like lukewarm butt."

"Well, I suppose, but they are good for you." I look over at the bowl for a moment, noticing it hasn't gone down very far. The moment I look away, Jesse leans over and begins licking cookie crumbs off the counter. "Jesse James!"

"What?"

"Stop that, you don't like cookies!"

He looks at me with a baleful expression, as he continues to eat cookie crumbs.

"Jesse, stop that! Cookies aren't good for cats, and cats don't like them!"

Jesse comes close to me, having licked off all the crumbs, and bumps into my hand, causing me to drop the peice of cookie I held, onto the floor, where it breaks.

"JESSE JAMES YOU DO NOT LIKE COOKIES!"

"Anything you say, Mom."
I pick up the couple chocolate chips lying about, now it's just the cookie part. And Jesse is woofing on them. If I try to get too close, he slams a paw on the peice I'm aiming for and gives a soft growl.

"Really, Jesse, you don't like cookies."

*Crunch, crunch, nibble, nibble.*

I sigh. "You want some milk with that cookie?"

"Thanks, that would be great."

Score: Jesse = 1
Mommy = 0



*I am delusional too, and often lie about my abilities to talk to animals.
Tags: cats, humor, jesse james
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