Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,

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Cheesy Movie Review Time...

No one is stepping forward to lay claim to having sent me what is easily one of the best cheesy movies I own. So, therefore, I guess whoever it is wants to remain a mystery. But, I wanna talk about this movie, because it is so darned cheesy that I'm half torn between "Spare them, spare them!" and, "Something this cheesy deserve to be shared with everyone, so they might taste the pain!"

Oddly though, the movie is terribly cheesy without being painful. Or, maybe it's just me.

Anyway, the movie is called Monster Dog. Yes, it is a cheesy werewolf flick. My opinion on Werewolf flicks are that they are either awesome, or bad. No middle ground. And most of them are bad.

However, this movie had another twist which shoved it more than right up my alley, this twist shoved it up my alley, into my house, up my leg, and possibly down my throat.

This is a horror/cheesy movie that stars... Alice Cooper

And... I'll give you a taste of how bad it is... the movie was shot with people who spoke English. The language was then changed (The movie was...from what I gather, originally slated to be shown in the Philipines) then, it was changed back into English, with different actors And now Alice Cooper has a voice that reminds me vaugly of the guy from the Smuckers Jam or Crackerbarel cheese commericals.




Yes, its in color. So, ya know it's gotta be good, after all color is a selling feature.

First off...there are previews. Not for this movie, for other movies that all look like low budget porno/horror flicks. Fortunately, Monster Dog is not a porno flick... (as much as I adore the man, there are some areas of him I just don't want to see.) But, unfortunately, it is not a horror flick either.

The movie opens on a video. We get to see Alice Cooper dressed like James Bond, Billy The Kid, Sherlock Holmes, and Jack the Ripper. And some catchy little tune about having an identity crisis. Nope, even that isn't Alice Cooper, (Unless he really changed his voice for this...) but he did write the song.

We have our first sign of cheese... in the video, they keep showing a car with a license plate that reads... "Vincent Raven." Yes, the character's name is Vincent. Not Lou, Vincent. Lou is apparently, his father who is mentioned by name...approximatly once in the movie. It's always a sign of pure cheesy delight when whoever wrote up the box couldn't even be bothered to watch the movie.

Now, the biggest sign of cheese in the movie? Alice Cooper is the best actor in the flick and I'm not kidding. Yeah, I know, all that prancing around on stage doing theatric rock, the man can act, but I can tell you (From experience mind you) that theatric rock is 99% about over acting. You leer, you spit, you grab your crotch, you overdo everything, because that's what the audience expects. So, I was expecting some dramatic overacting on the part of Alice Cooper. Nope, his acting, if anything, was a tad on the low key side. Eh, maybe it's the kindly Smucker's Jam commercial voice that's making it more mellow. But, the problem is that everyone else's acting is...well, it's like watching sticks of wood try to act.

The basic plot of this little gem is that Vincent Raven, the world's hottest rock star, is "uninspired" by his videos. (*sob* *tear*) so, he's gonna pack up the van and head out to his childhood home for some inspiration. So, off he goes in this...overly 70's looking van, with three girls and two other guys, all who look like they escaped from "That 70's Show." Honestly, they should have just painted "Mystery machine" on the van and be done with it. "Hey, Daphney, shall we go to the spooky old haunted house I grew up in?"

"Golly Vincent, that sounds like a groovy adventure, let me get Shaggy and Thelma and we'll go!"

I should probably tell you now that this movie was made in the 80's... yeah, I found that hard to believe myself.

Well, yes, of course Vincent grew up in a creepy old haunted house. Did you expect any less?

They find out that Vincent's hometown is being overrun by this pack of wild dogs. Dog's who've killed a bunch of people. Well, of course that worries Vincent's little band of misfits, er, uh, I mean the rest of his band... but Vincent seems a bit more than worried.

They end up getting stopped at a road block where they're told about the deaths... Vincent as it turns out knows the sherif who stopped them and makes the comment that when he was a kid, he used to piss all over the sherif's pants. The sherif agrees that Vincent was a leaky little tyke and everyone has a hearty laugh. No, I am not kidding.

Later, they hit a dog. They all get out and make clucking noises over the dog. Then, they hear a noise. Vincent orders the band back to the van and arms himself with a giant wrench. His girlfriend, Sandra, goes with him, where they get to see a giant puppet of a dog's head. They freak and head back to the van.

After all this buildup, they finally arrive to Vincent's childhood spooky old house, and there is a big banner hanging that says "Welcome Vincent!" Again, his name is not Lou!

The caretaker seems to be missing. (Yeah, we saw him earlier, but eh, I don't want to give too much away.) Vincent (the choice of that name will always make me snigger) starts running around the house looking for him. We get to see that the caretaker obviously never heard of dusting...or turning on lights. Goes to show you how hard it is to find decent help. Meanwhile, the rest of his crew goes into lyrical delight because the caretaker left them cocaine and girly mags sandwiches.

We get a real cheesy dream sequence in this, when one of the girls dreams that Vincent changes into a werewolf. She wakes up and we find that allll three girls are sleeping in the same bed. That's right, big mansion, implications that the girls and the boys are all dating, yet these three girls share one bed.

Everyone has a god-am-I-amused-giggle over the girl's dream... everyone except Vincent that is!

Later, Vincent's girlfriend decide she's had enough girl bonding moments and goes down to find Vincent reading a book called "Werewolves, myths,legends and scientific fact." We know this is an impressive old book because it's really huge and dusty too.

We then find out that Werewolfism is a heart disease. Yes, a heart disease. And we know this because Vincent's father was a victim. In fact, one night Vincent and his mom came out to find his dad, under a bush, blood on his face and the remains of (and I am not changing the wording on this) "a baby calf." Good lord, not a baby calf! Couldn't his father have slaughtered a fully grown adult calf?

He then tells how the people in the town turned on his father when the wild dogs started attacking, and hunted him down with torches and pitchforks, I guess because there's no such thing as justice or due process of law in Vincent's home town.

His girlfriend talks about how she's the most awesome video producer in the world who works with the most advanced equipment. (We find out later this cutting edge technology seems to be a couple of light meters and a couple of bulky video cameras, without even dollys to keep them level, that they two guys in his band have to hold them.) Vincent is the world's biggest rock star, so gosh, given these facts how can anyone believe werewolves are real? (Yeah, I didn't follow the logic either.) She then says that when they are done shooting this video they are going to some little island to drink fruity drinks, sunbathe nekkid, and make love. I keep expecting Vincent to go, "Wow, you mean you're finally going to put out?" I mean, after all, she's sleeping with two other girls... but instead, Vincent merely tells her she's really something and gets into a liplock with her. Probably to get her to shut up.

To give the actors credit though, the kiss ain't bad. I'm very critical when I watch movie/tv/media kissing, because half the time, it looks pretty fake to me. This...I might actually believe. But, one little tounge wrestling match is not going to make the movie for me.

I don't want to give away the whole movie, cause well... I know everyone's going to want to run out and get this one. But, on the cool side, we get to see Alice Cooper with a gun, shooting rednecks. Okay, it's really supposed to be Vincent Raven shooting rednecks, but still... at that moment, I saw Alice Cooper. One of the rednecks looks like a cross between Chong (of Cheech and...) and Ned from South Park, which is pretty funny too. We also get to see one of the godawful worst werewolf transformation scenes. Oh yes, and one beautiful scene where everyone runs off and leaves the hysterical girl alone in a room with a dead body.

I've watched this movie three times now. The first time because, well, wow,it's a cheesy werewolf movie. The second time was to confirm it was as bad as I thought it was... the third time was more of a toughness thing. "Yeah, I can take that movie again!"

But, in all fairness, it was really one of those movies that was so bad it's just good in its badness.

I though that the alltime best cheesy movie was KISS meets the Phantom of the Park, but this movie, I think beats it. Not by much, but enough.

This movie would be muchly improved by Mike and the Robots. I only wish they'd gotten their hands on this gem before the series was cancelled.
Tags: cheesy movies

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