Well... that's not quite correct. He isn't really trying that hard, he's just succeeding rather nicely.
To those who are regular readers to my journal, this is no big surprise, I'm sure. Since the day I took in my beloved little street orphan, the darling orange striped bundle of delight to my life, he's made it perfectly clear he is out to kill me.
I still love him dearly. Shows I really have a thing when it comes to cats... in particular, orange striped cats. Orange striped cats, I've always found, have lots of personality. This is a mixed blessing in itself. I mean, Abraham Lincoln had a lot of personality. On the other hand, so does Charles Manson.
Goten is more of a Manson than a Lincoln.
Lately though, he has decided that once it gets to be about 3:00 a.m., me, his beloved owner, dispenser of good things like Crunchies and Canned food... has no right to be sleeping. I should be up, awake, and most importantly... preparing his canned food.
I haven't figured out why it is so important that I prepare this canned food, because without failure, he will sniff it, then give me a strange look as if I tried to poison him. Then, he will leave it on the floor for an hour or so, and every time I enter the kitchen, he will run over and sniff it, then look at me as if to say, "Y'know, Mom... it was shit before and it's still shit." Then, he'll go over to the larger dry food bowl and eat about half of that.
For a tiny bit of variety, about once a week, after an hour, he will go, eat about six bites of his canned food, then, as I'm sitting on the sofa, he will come out and barf on my feet. I figure he does that when he feels I'm not showing the proper horror and remorse that he disliked today's choice of canned food.
Chrissy, on the other hand, loves wet food and will eat his and hers.
And, before you ask, I split one can between the two of them, so the problem with Goten is not that I'm feeding him icky, cold food from the refrigerator. The few times I have fed them food from the refrigerator, I have always zapped it in the microwave, so, to be honest, Goten is just being a little bastard about it.
Still, every morning about three he must wake me up so we can start the ritual I call... The Rejecting Of the Canned Food.
He has various ways of doing this.
1: Cats just want to have fun. This method involves his deciding that it's time to play. His favorite game is to grab one of his little balls with the bell in them, and to clang them against the heater. The heater is cheap, very very thin metal. The sound of a plastic ball whacking into it at the speed of cat, is pretty loud. Advantages? Works really fast. Disadvantages? Mommy wakes up in a really pissed off mood and might very well grab for the beef flavored canned foods that he really hates.
2: Cats just want to be creepy. I admit, since Todd has started working nights, I find myself sleeping on the couch more than I do the bed. Since our couch is really soft and comfy, I haven't seen the need to try to fight myself on this. Goten's plan of attack? Jump onto the back of the sofa, lean over and stare at me like some evil cross between a cat and a vulture. Stare, stare, stare, until the sheer force of vulturekitty eyeball rays wakes me up. Advantage? I wake up a bit slower with this method and therefore, might not be in quite as foul a mood. Disadvantages. Takes longer to get food and Mommy shudders every time he brushes against her for the next few hours.
3: Reach out and touch someone. In this method, Goten approaches the couch/bed.. raises up on his haunches and stares at me for a moment. Then, will reach out and gently put his paws on my face. Mommy will open her eyes and look at Goten. Goten will run away. Repeat this about four times. On the fourth time though, don't run away, instead begin to purr very loudly in Mommy's face. Extra points go to him if he can drool on some part of my body as well. Advantages? Mommy's a total sucker for affection and even though she darned well knows it's a game, and in truth, Goten would just as soon eat her as love her, she still will get up, pet Goten, tell him he's special, then feed him. Disadvantages? Takes a very long time to get Mommy moving and Goten must tolerate pets and sloppy lovey talk coming from Mommy.
4: The flying cat. This one is dangerous and only to be used in last resort. In this method, Goten climbs to the top of the entertainment unit, then leaps down on top of Mommy's side/back/stomach. This wakes up Mommy instantly and rather loudly. Unfortunately, it also wakes up Her Majesty, Chrissy, who is definately not a morning cat, and will respond by scratching, hissing, squalking, and general pissiness. Advantages? Really, really, fast. Disadvantages? Both Mommy and Chrissy are pissed. Well, in the case of Chrissy, when it comes to Goten, she's always pissed. This just makes her More Pissed Than Usual.
5: Spoiled baby. In this method, Goten goes into the kitchen and cries in such a distressed, pitiful maner, that you'd swear he had his balls caught in a mouse trap. In truth, his balls are probably in a landfill somewhere, cause I had him fixed, but the cry is so mournful, that even though he does this frequently, I still have to go running to make sure he's okay. The moment he sees Mommy, Goten will begin chirping as if to say, "Wow, Mom, you're up early. Wanna feed me?" Advantages? Works fast. Disadvantages? Mommy scoops Goten up to make absolutely sure he's not horribly injured in some way and might subject Goten to snuggles and gooshy talk.
There are other methods, but those are the main five and the others are variations on the same theme. Like, instead of banging a ball on the freezer, he might instead, chose to leap up and knock a couple pans off the wall so they clatter to the floor.
I do go to bed rather early, so this isn't the end of the world, although I would like to get more than 5 hours of sleep some night, I really would. And, I explain this to Goten every night before I go to bed. "Please Goten, for the love of God... do not wake me up at 3:00 a.m. okay?"
Goten nods wisely. Chirps, and then plans which of the five methods he will use. That is... until last night.
Last night, I think he actually listened, because he did not attempt to wake me up at 3:00 a.m.! No leaping cat, no evil stare, no banging balls with bells, no paws on my face. He allowed me to sleeeeep.
Then, I ended up having a nightmare. In this nightmare, I was driving and Goten was in the car with me. Not in his carrier, which is something I'd never do, but apparently, in my dreams I'm not very bright. And, then to prove I'm a total tard, I'm driving around, with Goten free in the car, and I've got the windows down.
I round a corner in the car, Goten is leaning out the window to investigate, and goes flying out the window.
I stop the car, run over, and he's lying on the street, barely alive, blood flowing everywhere. I gather him in my arms, he's feeling limp, like he's going to die any second. I'm trying to hold him, drive, and find a vet.
And I woke up sobbing. "Goten, it'll be okay!"
Goten comes running in from the kitchen and chirps as if to say, "Oh, you're awake. Can you feed me?"
You might say it was an amazing coincidence, but I know better. Goten has found a way to influence my dreams.