Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,

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On the care and feeding of Darqstar

There are two expressions I hate. Well, no, there are actually more. One is "Not for nothing!" because it's just freaking retarded. I also hate the word "Dis." If saying disrespect is too difficult for you, then we all deserve to make fun of you. But, fortunately, "dis" seems to have fallen out of favor. "Not for nothing" is still around, but I can deal with it, because most of the people who use that expression are candidates for Jerry Springer. I can deal.

But the two expressions that really crawl up my ass and scratch along my colon are... 1: That's okay and 2: That's nothing.

Pretty common, right? And, yeah, I don't hate them all the time. In fact, I rather like "That's okay" when it means someone is being reasonable. As in, "That's okay, Darqstar, you don't have to rush to do this favor for me right now, I'll survive."

No, I hate those two expressions because of the way I usually seem to hear them. Let's start with the first one.

That's Okay. I love my husband to death, but God help him, he's a "That's okay" person and one of these days he's going to get strangled for it. But I'm trying to break him of the habbit.

This is how those two words crawl up my ass.

Well meaning person: Gosh and golly gee, Darqstar, why are you limping?

Darqstar: Because I smashed my knee into the refrigerator the other day and now I have a huge bruise that covers my kneecap, and it hurts.

Well meaning person who just turned idiot: That's okay! Sixteen million billion years ago, I got into an accident with a wheat thresher and had my kneecap pulled off and fed to wild wolves!

Excuse me, what the hell gives this person the right to negate what is happening to me with something that happened to them, way long ago, that they have clearly recoverd from? What is the point? To make me say, "Oh, silly me, what right do I have being in pain, when you suffered and injury a long time ago?"

First off, this "That's okay" usually comes from someone I didn't volunteer information to, they took it upon themselves to ask. I could see if I was going, "Ohhhh woe is me.... I am in pain... peel me a grape!" In that case, yeah, the person might need a dose of reality and a reminder that the world is not going to come to a crashing halt because they have a boo boo. But... I rarely say anything when I'm in pain, because I learned a long time ago, most people don't give a fuck. So, well meaning idiot took it upon themselves to ask, then when getting the answer, immedietly poo poos it as not a big deal.

Well, if clearly my limping/bleeding/whatever you notice is not a big deal then why fucking ask me? So you can bring up all your old war wounds? Don't care. And, no matter what happened to you back in the last ice age, as long as you're not feeling it now, don't expect me to sympathize! I didn't ask for your sympathy, if you're clearly not in pain, and I am, don't expect me to ooze for you. Is that clear?

Apparently not. Because I could probably walk around holding my head in my arms and people would say to me, "That's okay, blah blah blah... zombies ate my brain, blah blah blah."

Yeah, we all need to hear, "Suck it up, Buttercup" once in awhile, but can people at least wait until I'm bitching about it, before they chastise me for complaining?

Now, let's go onto "That's nothing." I don't know if I just happened to catch the crest of a wave, or if I started a trend among people I know, or if it's just "Winter is almost over and I want to look good in two postage stamps and some string come summer" but it seems that everyone I know offline, are all frantically trying to lose weight.

Back in October, November and December when I was out walking and getting blisters, I heard vauge, "Oh, isn't that nice?" Or, I got some snotty attitude about becoming "One of THOSE people." But, eh, for the most part, I was alone in my endevors. People sniggered about my bundling up to go walking... giggled about my prancing around my living room like a fool. But for the most part, they left me alone.

Then, they all leaped on the bandwagon.

And all of them can't wait to play the game of "That's nothing!" with me.

Well meaning idiot: Hi, Darq, how did you do last month?

Darqstar: Lost four pounds and about 3 1/2 inches. Inch off my waist. I think I'm doing pretty good.

Well meaning idiot: That's NOTHING. I lost 892 lbs yesterday, and 42" off my left leg. Are you sure you're doing enough? Maybe you need to start walking more.

Darqstar: I put in 6 miles a day on days I don't work. That adds up to about an hour and a half of areobic style exercise. Add Curves onto that, and at least 5 days a week, I'm devoting 2 hours a day to sheer exercise. Count in stretch times, dress times, etc and we're talking a good chunk of my day.

Well meaning idiot: I do six seconds of cardio a week and I'm still losing weight like crazy! And inches like mad! But, that's just me. You clearly need to work out harder. You need to eat less.

Okay... dipshit, did I ask for your help? Did I say, "I'm worried, what should I do?" And, you reject, did you listen to a word I said?

Yes, I did not do as well in the weight loss this month as I did last month. Inches, I think I did okay with... I'm sure I did better uptop. Waist I might not have done as well. But, you know, I've been at this a bit longer than these happy yahoos that are jumping on the bandwagon, so it seems inevitable that I'm going to slow down first. And, I've admitted that while I would love to lose weight like a falling rock, I am in this for the long haul. I've still got probably 42lbs and/or 5-7 inches around my waist. I'm telling myself that if I don't look good in a bathing suit this summer, that's okay, I'm hoping that by the end of the year, I'm down to my goal. That means I have to try to lose 4-5 lbs a month and/or 1/2 to 3/4 an inch a month. Sooo, by all my calculations, I'm staying on schedual.

So, why does it seem that's not good enough for people who claim to be my friend? Why is it that they want me to work harder? I don't get it.

If they're losing weight like a falling rock, good for them. I'm happy. That's their goal. I still question the wisdom of dropping weight that fast, but eh, it's their life, whatever makes them happy. I'm not them.

And, why can't they understand, I can't do any friggin' more?

I am tired. I am sleeping over eight hours a night and I'm goddamned tired. I am already breaking promises I made to myself when I started this and I am hungry. I am hungry a lot. I fucking dream about food

My days seem to involve trying to fit in when I'm going to work out along with other things that need to be done. When I'm done with my working out and whatever else, all I want to do is take my shower, plunk my ass on the couch and not move. I should be building up stamina for this, like I was at the beginning, but instead, it's decreasing.

If I take a day off, I want to watch TV and play vegetable on the couch. I don't want to "do things" I want to relax. I want to give my body a break so it can start playing this game again tomorrow.

I'll be honest here... if I were talking to myself... if I knew someone who was doing what I'm doing, the last thing I'd advise them to do would be to "Get working!" the last thing I'd say is, "You need to do more!" Cause clearly, we have someone here who cannot do anymore.

I realize that I'm right at the end of my rope right now. If I try to take away more food or increase my exercise time, I'm going to shatter. I'm walking a balance right now, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I'm sorry if my inability to lose 8 pounds last month upset people, but it's ME not THEM. Why does it matter so much?

It shouldn't matter so much to me, it really shouldn't, but I hear about other people... and I just want to tear my hair out. They work out half an hour a day 5 days a week, and if they have a "not so hot" month, they're told, "You're probably pushing it. You need to eat a little more and maybe cut down your workouts to five days a week."

Not me. I'm doing 2 hours a day six days a week, sometimes seven, and if I can't lose 8lbs in a month, I'm told, "That's nothing!" and "You need to work at this harder!"

I should be going to Curves six days a week, not five. Oddly, I've spoken to other people who go to Curves in different areas and they are told 3 days a week is fine. Not me, I'm supposed to be going six days. Five is a freaking vacation for me I guess. And that six miles I do? Maybe I should bump that up to 8-10. And, maybe instead of two eggs at breakfast, I need to cut that down to one. Not sure that bagle or toast is a good idea either. Those carbs are clearly screwing me up!

I get the feeling that I will only earn approval... Approval mind you, not admiration not even respect, just mere approval and the rights to breathe the same air as them only if I stop eating all together, and spend 24 hours a day working out. Then, and only then, will I be "almost as good as they are."

The fucking hilarious thing is that I don't recall my ever asking their opinion. Rarely do I volunteer "how I'm doing" to people I know offline, because I know that it always leads to "That's okay" and "That's nothing." So, they dig information out of me, only to tell me I'm screwing up.

Of all the people I know offline, I am an oddity, because I openly admit, most of my real friends are on Live Journal. I'm serious. You folks on my friends list are the ones I'd miss the most. My offline friends? If they all vanished tomorrow, I'd shrug and go, "Wow, wonder what happened?" Then, I'd realize no one was around to tell me how "That's okay" and "That's nothing" and I'd probably realize I was better off in the long run. My offline friends don't look at relationships on the internet as "real."

Honest to fucking pete, if all I had were the people I know offline, I'd probably kill myself.

Todd is excluded from this, because... well, even though he says, "That's okay" at times, he does love me, and he does want what's best for me.

You know, he's the only person I know offline that suggested to me that I really am doing all I can with my walking and working out. He's the only person who hasn't suggested that I need to "step things up."

I do want to do this... but I want to do it for me. And, while I'm really glad that I have so-called offline friends who have leaped on the bandwagon too, on this exercise and lose weight" kick, can they let me do my thing without trying to take a massive shit all over me? If they want to brag, that's fine.... we all need to brag, but why is it that their bragging also has to drag me down? Why can't it be just, "Aren't I awesome?" and leave it at that? Why does it have to be, "I'm great, you suck!"

Christ, anyone who really claims to know me should know I don't do anything half assed. If I'm going to fall, goddamn it, I'm going to fall in a most spectacular fashion and make a scene. If I'm going to paint my room, I'm going to give it 500 coats and get every crevise. If I'm going to start walking, I'm not going to go around the block once for six months and go, "Whew, that's enough for meeee!"

Yet, people always seem to make me feel like I never can do enough. It's never enough, and even if it was, it wouldn't be good enough.

And that, is why I often prefer the company of my cats. Goten might bite me, but he never tells me my flesh doesn't taste good enough.

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