My dearest Goten,
Just because we open a can, does not mean that what's inside is for you. Really. You don't like vegetable soup. No, I am not eating all the "Good stuff" out of it. I let you investigate the broth once when I was finished and you acted as if I was attempting to poison you. It hasn't changed.
And while we're writing you this note anyway, yes, there are times when Mommy and Daddy need to go into the little tiny space in the bathroom where the water falls. It is called taking a shower, and this is what Mommy and Daddy do to keep clean, rather than lick ourselves like you do. I know this must be perplexing to you, but God had the right idea, for if humans could lick their own genitalia, as you can, we'd never leave the house. So, instead, we shower to keep clean.
We know what we're doing and take every precaution. No, we won't stop. So please, do us a favor and stop standing outside the shower and wailing in that "grates on your last nerve" whiny meow you have. And stop opening the shower curtain and hissing at us in the water. We would like to keep the water in the shower, not on the floor. And when you start wailing, it frightens the landlady and she ends up knocking on the door to ask me if we're torturing you with a fork or something.
Mommy and Daddy know what we're doing. We don't need your guidance. And no, we don't need you to lick our legs when we're done. You have a lovely bowl of water and the toilet, whenever we're not looking or forget to put the lid down, for your drinking pleasure. We do not need you licking our legs.
Mommy and Daddy.