Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,

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"Oh my god, you're becoming one of 'those' people!"

I considered doing an LJ cut on this, because I have a feeling it will be on the long side... but then I realized that this is something I'd really like people to actually read. I can't make anyone read it, of course, but I figure that putting it behind an LJ cut would make it easier to ignore. This way, maybe at least people will skim it and get the gist of what I'm saying, even if they don't want to read every single word.

Ran into someone I know today. I don't know if you'd exactly call her a friend, but she's someone I used to work with and when we worked together, we sorta had this friendship thing that disolved when we stopped working together.

Anyway, so we chatted and caught up on a few things. Nothing major. Then, I told her I had to scoot because I had some walking to do. Which, lead her to ask what I meant. I think at first she thought I had to walk home, that I was no longer "with car" so to speak. I explained to her that I walk. She showed some curiousity, asked a few questions, and I explained a bit about what I'm doing and how long I've been doing it.

She ended up saying, "Oh god, you're becoming one of those people, aren't you?"

To which, I rather wittily retorted in my clever fashion, "Huh?"

"You know, those people. Those ones that work out and stuff and try to make everyone else feel like absolute shit, because they don't. You know, those people who diet all the time, and work out all the time, and sniff because someone else eats a twinkie or something. I hate those people."

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was probably along the lines of, "I sure as hell hope not!" And shortly after that, we parted ways. I wasn't too worried about it, simply because this person is not exactly a part of my life. If she wants to think I am going to be "one of those people," there is darned little I can, or to be honest, really want to do about it.

However, as I was walking, it started picking at my brain. Yeah, sure, it's easy to say, "No, I have no intention of being an insufferable asshole!" But I strongly doubt insufferable assholes ever sat down and said, "Hey, you know what? I want to be an insufferable asshole. I want to be the biggest jerk that ever lived and with any luck, I will alienate everybody in the world! That sounds great, doesn't it?" I would guess that most insufferable assholes just ended up feeling very strongly about certain things, and it ended up turning into fanatism.

And, maybe some of them aren't really all that insufferable, maybe it's just cause no one knows what's going on inside their heads. And, I'll be honest... offline, I'm not exactly swarming with friends. Most of my friends are online and most of them are in LJ. So, what I want to do is let people know clearly what's going on.

Yes, I have started walking. Yes, I am taking this very seriously. I've been doing it for almost three months, which may not seem like much, but I'm also the person who has a habbit of starting an exercise program and lasting for one day, or if I'm real lucky, a whole week! It takes six months on average, to turn something into a habbit, so yeah, I'm trying really hard to keep up on this, and I'm very worried that I won't make it six months. Especially as it starts getting miserably cold and I'm fighting off sore feet, knees that ache, blisters that keep coming back, and various other problems.

However, just because I do consider myself pretty serious about this, doesn't mean I'm sitting in judgement of anyone else. Life is damned hard enough, so whatever someone has to do to get through their day is their business.

If you have an exercise routeen you follow that makes you happy, that's fantastic and I hope you enjoy it and keep it up. If you don't, that's fine too. It's not my job to tell others how to live their lives. If you're happy sitting most of the time and eating twinkies, then that's great, I'm just happy you're happy. I might suggest you vary your twinkies with a devil dog once in awhile, but you always have the option of telling me to bugger off, that you're perfectly happy with twinkies.

I don't care if you're skinny, fat, or somewhere inbetween. Just because I walk on a regular basis doesn't make me better/worse than you. And, if I ever did lose my mind and actually start thinking and saying that I am better than anyone else because I walk, that I'm smarter or healthier, it's bullshit. I smoke for god's sake. If you don't smoke (which I think 99% of my friendslist doesn't) you're already in a lot better shape than I will ever be in. Why do I do this? Because I just got fed up with being a chain smoking, unmotivated slug. I don't work a lot of hours, I sure don't spend my spare time cleaning house. I have been unable to write anything for a very long time, no matter how hard I try... I was starting to feel like all I was doing was eating, smoking, and sitting on my lazy ass. I had to do something, I had to get up and get out. And, if in the process, I can take off some weight, clear my head, and in general, stop feeling like the human slug, so much the better.

Yes, I'm human. I do talk about walking. Why? Because this is something, that if you count in the time it takes me to get ready, stretch, (which I do after and durring my walks... and several times durring the day... usually 5-10 minutes each time.) and when finished to write down what I did, that takes up about three hours of my day. That's a lot of time. Yes, this might sound like I'm bragging, but it does take a lot of dedication. Last week, we had some days that were bitter cold. The week before we had several days of rain. In both cases, there was only one day that I just could not bring myself to go out in the freezing cold/ icy rain and walk. And in those cases, I did my best to try to get in some walking doing other things. I have walked in place, I have paced the halls of my building a million times. My landlady finds me strangely amusing, because she caught me running up and down the stairs to her place one day, when she was out, trying to get in more steps. I have been insulted by four bitches at the track for not walking fast enough to suit them. I have been teased (and not all of it completely friendly, either...) by regulars to the track for the miles I do. Because I'm honest too. If someone asks me how many miles I did, or plan to do, I will tell them. I try to walk at least six miles a day, many times more, because I know that there might very well be that one day durring the week that I can't walk for whatever reason.

When I go to the track, I always outlast anyone who's already there. A great deal of time, I outlast people who show up after I've already started too. Most people seem to do 1-4 miles. I'd say the average person who goes there does 2-3. I've lost count of the evenings I've gone up and been the only one walking, had other show up and walk, but by the time I'm done, guess what? I'm the only person on the track.

I don't expect anyone else to do what I'm doing. This is one of the reasons why I haven't tried to find a walking partner, even though I have heard there is a group in the area that does try to pair off people for walking. I know if I did, if they didn't walk as much as I did, I'd be disappointed. If they walked more than I do, I'd be trying to compete with them. I don't like it, but at least I know I'd do it, so I avoid it. I've got a happy little yahoo up at the track now, who shows up 1-3 times a week, who I feel is boarderlining on stalking me. She seems to think I'm someone she has to beat and I absolutely hate it. "See? I'm passing you!" "Oh, you walked seven miles today? Well then, I have to do nine!" I don't want her using me as her role model for walking. I want her to find her own path... preferable a few miles away from mine, or at least at a different time.

I look at my walking as I do my writing. If you ask me, I'll share, but I don't want to judge. If you walk, that's fine. As long as you're happy. If you don't walk, that's fine too. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, but maybe myself.

I try not to get too obsessive about it. That's one of the reasons why I made the darq_walk journal. I know damned well that most people have little to no interest in knowing how far I walked on such and such a day, and how I felt while I was walking, or what parts of me are now sore, now that I'm finished. Yes, I could have created a filter in this journal and asked people who wanted to be included, but I thought that was kinda rude. I figure having all that boring stuff in another journal gives people the absolute choice. You want to read that stuff? Add it. If you don't, then don't. The real "me" is still over here, in the darqstar journal.

I try not to have too much of the walking leak into this journal, but it is hard, because, as I said... it takes up a huge chunk of my time. I know I can't do this forever. I ultimately hope that at some point, I will have lost enough weight (or inches) that instead of having to walk six miles or more every day, I can cut that down to 4-5 miles per day instead. But, until that day, I have to keep going.

Yeah, I admit, I get discouraged. Two weeks ago, I did 63 miles total. I have not been able to meet or beat that since. In fact, I did 55 miles the next week and 51 last week. I'm going backwards, and there are times when I just want to curl up and cry about it. Yes, there are times when I want someone to tell me, "You know, Darq, 63 miles was damned good... you can't expect to do that every week! doing 50 miles is just fine too!"

Yes, I admit I was all proud of myself when we went out to buy me sneakers and socks and I was taken seriously by the people in the stores. And, I even admit, those days when I drag my ass off the track, and can hardly walk, because I'm so tired, I still have this rush. "Wow, I did ___ many miles!" Why? Because I'm human. I can't help it. I want to be cheered when I do good, I want to be told it's okay when I don't do so good. I like to brag when I notice changes, slow and infrequent as they might be, because you know... no one wants to spend over 21 hours a week doing something useless.

But.. I really don't want to be an insufferable asshole about it. And if I have been coming across in any way/shape/form as if I'm judging anyone or trying to preach to anyone about this... I'm really sorry. It was not my intent. When I talk about it in this journal, I'm not doing it to say, "look at how cool I am!" I'm sure a great deal of people who read my journal have their own things they do, and probably do them much better than me. I talk about it.. because, like I said, it's part of my life. It's the same as if I'd found a gaming group and was spending hours with them, gaming. I'd talk about it, because... well... this is a journal. It's me. And right now, (and hopefully forever) walking is a part of my life. I may not always walk 6 or more miles per day, but I hope to be walking most days, for the rest of my life, or until I'm just physically unable.

I hope that I'm just being paranoid with this... I really do. And again, if I unintentionally came across like I thought I was better than anyone else... it really was unintentional.

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