Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,
Darqstar
darqstar

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Have a very PC holiday

Cut to preserve freshness...

Author's note: This is entirely fictional. Mel Torme and Bob Wells are indeed the writers of "The Christmas Song" I am using them without their permission. I am also reprinting the lyrics to the song without their permission. All addresses and personal refrences I make to the two comes completely from my own imagination and if they bear any resemblance to anything in real life, it's merely a coincidence. The same goes with Louis Armstrong

I have no idea if RCA was the company that first recorded "The Christmas Song" I have no idea if a "Joe Smith" works or has ever worked for RCA records. The address I use for the company, however, is legitimate and can be found at their website.

And if you're offended by this, tough cookie.

A Christmas Tale for the New Milenium
Or
What if The Christmas Song was written today?

By: Darqstar.



Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210


Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Dear Mr. Smith,

Recently we wrote a song that we feel has the potential to be one of the great Christmas carols. We are hoping you agree with this and will consider having it recorded. As you know, Mr. Torme is an accomplished vocalist, but if you feel that his voice would not bring it across properly, Louis Armstrong has also expressed interest in recording it himself.

Enclosed is a copy of the lyrics and a CD of Mr. Torme singing the song.

Please get back to us as soon as possible with your decission.

Sincerely

Bob Wells
Mel Torme


The Christmas Song
Words and Music by Bob Wells and Mel Torme


Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey
And some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys
And goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said
Many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you.
Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel and Bob,

Nice to hear from you both. Thanks for giving RCA first chance at this song! I listened to it last night and I agree, it's destined to become one of the great Christmas classics, one that will be sung for years and years.

Of course, RCA would be proud add such a song to our lable and we are just tickled pink you thought of us first! We were even thinking that rather than have you or Mr. Armstrong record the song, maybe you both could record it? That way we could offer this fine song done by two singers and give people a choice!

And... not that it's a big deal, but as I was looking over the words, a couple things caught my attention. Minor things at the most... not a big deal, but you know how it is now adays. One can't be too careful, you know? We don't want to offend anyone.

Specifically the one phrase... And folks dressed up like Eskimos Now, as you know, the Eskimos, or as they perfer to be called, the Inuit, are actually Native North Americans. And some of them find the term Eskimo to be offensive. The Inuit people compose approximately 1/1000000000000 of the record buying people, and there sympathizers even more. I know you meant no offense in that line, but I think if you could change it, we'd have a lot less problems.

Other than that, it's a wonderful song! You both are geniuses!

Sincerely

Joe Smith


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Dear Joe,

We're glad to hear you like the song. And we both agree that having both Louis Armstrong and Mel record it, is a good idea.

As for the line about Eskimos, well, it just fits you know? Eskimos rhymes with 'nose' and when you say the word "Eskimo" you get a mental image of people all bundled up in their warm winter clothing. It seems such a shame to have to change it.

However, we don't wish to offend anyone, and if you do feel the Eskimo Inuit people would be insulted, we can change that. Perhaps this will work:

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks bundled up from heads to toe </i>


Let me know again what you think. Again, thank you for being willing to let us record this song on the RCA lable.

Best Wishes


Mel and Bob.
Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel and Bob,

Got your letter yesterday. That change works really well. Thanks so much for being willing to bend on this. We really don't want to offend anyone here at RCA. And, I'm sure you don't either.

We'll have to sit down and arrange when we can produce this song. And talk to Mr. Armstrong too.

Oh yes, one other tiny matter... I let my secretary listen to the recording you sent me the other day. She agrees it's a beautiful song and destined to become one of the great classics of Christmas. She really liked the whole "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" part at the beginning. She said it made her feel cozy.

But, she did find that one line bothered her... And goodies on his sleigh She's a mother of a hyperactive child who's been diagnosed with ADD and besides the various medications, she's also trying to keep him away from candy. The word "goodies" immedietly brings to mind candy and chocolate, and she's a little worried that if her child hears the song, he'll be hurt by the thought of other children getting "goodies" but not him. Is there any chance you'd be willing to change that?

Again, beautiful song. We're so honored you're giving RCA the chance to record it.

Best to you always

Joe Smith


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Dear Joe,

Uh, glad you still like the song. Honestly though, we don't see a problem with the word "goodies." Yes, to some it might mean candy, but goodies can be anything... even non-edible ones.

But... if you really feel that the word "goodies" could offend that many people, maybe we can work out something. Any suggestions?

Sincerely

Mel and Bob

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Bob and Mel,

Talked to my secretary and she suggested "Wholesome snacks" instead of goodies. Yes, I know, wholesome snacks contains more sylables, but with a little bit of aranging it could work quite nicely. Try it like this instead:
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded toys
And wholesome goodies on his sleigh


See? Still has that flow.

We really can't wait to record this song! We know it's going to be huge this year and every year.

I hope you don't mind, I played the song for my Grandfather. He absolutely loves it. Only had one tiny problem and that was with the line "Kids from one to ninety-two. He's 80, and he resents that the song implies that people of his age could still be kids. Any chance we could just change that one word from "kids" to "folks?"

Great song, we just love it!

All my best

Joe


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210


Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Dear Joe,

We really don't like the "wholesome snacks" thing... but after talking about it, we're willing to compromise. We're a bit shocked about your Grandfather's reaction though. We never intended to imply that someone who's 80 is really a child, we were more refering to the idea that this holiday brings out the child in all of us, that's all. Do you think you could explain that to your Grandfather?

We're still grateful to RCA for being willing to record this. I talked to Louis the other day and he's looking forward to recording the song as well. He'll be contacting you as soon as we get the okay on the lyrics.

All our best

Bob and Mel
Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel and Bob,

I'm glad you understand about the wholesome snack thing. Really, it will work out just wonderful.

Thought about telling Grandpa your thoughts with the "kids" thing, but then realized that we can't go explaining it to everyone who hears the song. And, I really don't want to offend any senior citizens either. I mean, there are enough jokes about senility making someone go into their "second childhood." Do you really want to risk that people will think you meant that line as an insult to the elderly? And it's such a small change.. just one word, from kids to folks.

We at RCA would feel much better about this, if you'd change that word.

Oh, one other thing... it's so small I feel almost foolish mentioning it, but my boss pointed out that the Peta folks are probably not going to like that you mention turkey. I know you don't actually mention people eating turkey, but the implication is there. I called up a few of my vegan friends and they suggested either "soy turkey" or "tofu." I think "tofu" would work the best.

Beautiful song guys, you should be proud of yourselves. We at RCA can't wait to have you and Mr. Armstrong come in and record it!

Best Always

Joe Smith

Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Tofu? Soy turkey? Christ, do you really think everyone is that damned sensitive? And do Peta folks and vegans make up that much of the record buying public?


Mel and Bob
Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel and Bob,

I admit, I was a little surprised at the worry about turkey myself. But you know how those Peta folks can be. Do you really want them to boycott the song? Or to go down to the stores the day it's released and picket them? I'm telling you, if word gets out that RCA is doing music that promotes the idea of eating flesh, we could have big trouble on our hands. And tofu isn't that bad. Think of it as modernizing it a bit.

Oh, another... tiny little thing. Played the song for my wife. She suffers from insomnia, has since she was a little kid, and was wondering if the line about finding it hard to sleep tonight was intended as an insult against people who suffer from insomina.

Great song though. This is going to be a classic.

Best to you both

Joe Smith


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

Dear Mr. Smith,

No, we never intended the line Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow / Will find it hard to sleep tonight. as an insult against childhood insomnia suffering. For pete's sake, doesn't every child have trouble sleeping the night before Christmas? I know I did, and I don't suffer from insomnia.

Anyone else we're risking offending? This is getting a bit silly.

Sincerely

Mr. Torme amd Mr. Wells.

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel and Bob,

I know that every child finds it hard to sleep the night before Christmas, regardless of any sleeping disorders, but have you ever had a sleeping disorder? My wife has had one since childhood and you don't know how much it makes her suffer. Try to be a bit more sensitive to her needs and the needs of other like her, will you? We really don't want to offend anyone, you know. And Christmas is the time of year where we should try our best not to offend anyone.

And, since you mentioned it, there are a couple other very tiny things... We've been talking to people in the office and did you know that there is a growing number of parents who never teach their children about Santa Clause? Any chance you'd be willing to change that? I don't have an idea how you'd do that, I'm not a songwriter, but I'm sure the two of you could work it out.

Oh, and Chris, the guy in the office across from mine, was a little worried that druids might find the line about the mistletoe a bit offensive.

Other than those few things, this song is the greatest!

Sincerely

Joe Smith.


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Dear Mr. Smith,

I don't claim to be an expert on druids by any means, but I'm pretty sure they don't object to mistletoe. And, wasn't that whole thing originally started as a pagan tradition anyway, and later adopted by Christians?

You're turning our beautiful song into a total mess. We're not sure about this anymore.

Mr Torme and Mr. Wells.

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Bob and Mel,

No need to get so testy. The song is still a beautiful song, and destined to become one of the great Christmas classics. We can work these details out.

Oh, by the way? My boss wants you to get rid of all the Christmas refrences in the song. Christmas isn't the only holiday celebrated this time of year. Winter Holidays would work well.

And, as you know, RCA is going to have a big Christmas Winter Holiday special on ABC this year. One of the groups buying advertizing for the show are the folks of Ronco, and this year, they're bringing out the Ronco Automatic Chestnut Roaster 5000 (a vast improvement over the 3000 model, no deaths at all when testing the product.) In appreciation for the fine folks at Ronco, we'd like it if you could change the "Open fire" to "Chestnut Roaster 5000."

Do you think that Louis Armstrong would be willing to go on the special and sing the song for the first time? It would really go over well. Or would you be interested, Mr. Torme?

Wonderful song, and thanks for giving RCA the chance to bring it to the world!

Best Always

Joe Smith.

Mel Torme
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

Dear Joe,

Forgive me for being so abrupt on the phone last night. I don't usually use that type of language, but your letter really surprised me. The title of the song is "The Christmas Song" To take out all refrences to Christmas, rather defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

But, Bob did some investigation and apparently, you were correct... none of the record companies will touch the song as it is, for fear of offending people.

So, we're working on some revisions. Hopefully, they'll work. I'll be sending them to both you and Louis Armstrong. He hasn't given an okay on the special thing yet. He wants to see how the revision goes.

Sincerely

Mr. Torme
Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Dear Mel,

I knew we could work something out. Honestly, RCA wants only the best for you and our listeners. I'm sure you and Bob can change a few things and still make the song a lovely classic that will be sung and listened to for generations to come.

Oh, the folks at Marketing would like to see "Tiny tots" changed to "Vertically challenged" Kids can't help it that they're small. And they thought that line was deliberately intending to be offensive. And Becky, the head of marketing was also hoping that the whole "eyes all aglow" wasn't refering to any illegal drug use... Might want to clear that up too. And Danny? He's a father of five kids and was a bit worried about the whole spying and reindeer thing. He thinks it promotes crulety to animals and deliberate disobedience to parents. Not good things. He also thinks the words "Mother's child" should be changed to "Parent's child" as well.

And, uh, one last thing... Roger in the mailroom is a mountain climber and says that if you'd ever had frostbite, you'd realize that the whole line about "Jack Frost nipping at your nose" isn't very amusing. And should we be singing about anything biting anyway? I know nipping isn't the same thing as biting, but some people might think so. How about something just mentioning that the cold air might make your nose get cold or something?

I think the mistletoe problem could be solved if you make mention of artificial mistletoe. Just make sure it's safe.

I look forward to seeing and hearing your revisions.

My best to both you and Bob

Joe Smith.

PS: Looking over the worlds one last time... that "simple phrase" thing... you weren't trying to insult the mentally challenged, were you?


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

Dear Joe,

Enclosed you will find a recording of the song, with editing done. We are also enclosing a lyric sheet. We took the liberty of also sending this on to Louis Armstrong, so he can have a chance to see it as well.

Please let us know what you think at your earliest convenience.

Sincerly

Bob Wells and Mel Torme

PS: We really don't think a lot of this editing helps the song any.

Chestnuts roasting in a Ronco chestnut roaster 5000
the cold air reddening up your nose
Non denominational winter holiday songs being sung by a gang
And folks bundled up from head to toe

Everybody knows some tofu
And some artifical flame retardent mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Vertically challenged people of a young age, with their eyes all open very wide
Might find it a bit difficult to sleep tonight.

They might have been taught to pretend thatSanta some gentlman guy person in a sleigh is on his way
He's loaded toys
And wholesome snacks on his sleigh
And every parent's child is gonna reflect deeply and sigh
Because it's fun to pretend, but we all really know that reindeer can't really fly...

And so I'm offering thissimple five word phrase
To folks from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said
Many times, many ways
Happy Winter Holidays to you.



Mr. Louis Armstrong
PO Box 12121
New York, NY

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway

Dear Mr. Smith.

While I was originally very excited about recording "A Christmas Song," and possibly singing it for the first time to the public on you ABC special, after looking over the revised lryics, sent to me by Mel and Bob, I have to say I wouldn't touch this song with a ten foot pole anymore. Thanks to the revising, what could have been a beautiful, classic, Christmas song, has now become a politically correct peice of crap.

Sincerely

Mr. Armstrong

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210


Dear Mel and Bob,

Looks like Louis is out. He sincerely regrest that he's unable to do the song for our special, but he has a previous engagement he can't get out of. Mel, would you be interested in doing it instead?

Sincerely

Joe Smith


Mel Torme and Bob Wells
P.O. Box 8000
Beverly Hills CA 90210

Joe Smith
RCA Records
1540 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

Dear Mr. Smith,

We too, have heard from Mr. Armstrong and after an enlightening conversation, we went back and listend to our original recording and the second one we made with all the revisions.

We have come to the conclusion that it is possible to ruin a beautiful song by attempting to be too PC.

Both of us have decided to quit writing music and are instead going to become plumbers. If we're going to have to deal with shit all the time, we might as well become professionals.

Sincerely

Mr. Torme and Mr. Wells

PS: Please never attempt to contact us again.
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