So, with that in mind... and seeing that I worked today, I present this...
1: Most restaurants do not have fancy hot chocolate. Some have a machine that you pour powder into and it mixes it up, but most, the waitress has to do it herself. But don't think we have fancy hot chocolate, made with bakers chocolate lovingly scraped and stirred into a pan of warm milk, then sugared up. We use things like Carnation and Swiss Miss. Trust me, if we had fancy hot chocolate we'd put it on the menu. But it's just cheap crap. It takes us forever to make. Most waitresses hate hot chocolate, because people gulp it down too fast and it takes too long to make. Some children love to drink several cups. No, we don't give you free refills on hot chocolate, so every time your child gulps one down, that's another 2 dollars I add to the bill. I have even been known to give people their soda for free, if they order one after drinking hot chocolate, just because I want to discourage them from ordering more hot chocolate.
2: Honey Mustard The bright yellow stuff. You should know something... the primary ingredient of honey mustard dressing is not honey, nor is it mustard. It is mayonaise. No, we don't have to call it "Honey Mayo" dressing. Do not fool yourself for one second that it's healthy. It's basically flavored mayonaise. I don't care if you want six sides of it, so you can drizzle it on everything from your salad to your steak, but please don't think you're doing yourself any favors by using honey mustard rather than just straight mayo.
3: Gravy is not a beverage We bring gravy on the side because some people don't like gravy. Please don't think we do this so you can drink it from the little cup. If gravy was a beverage, we'd offer it on the beverage menu, but we don't.
4: Stealing is stealing. Restaurants are not in existance so you can replenish your silverware collection. We have to pay for it, and we don't like it when you steal our spoons, knives, or forks. Go to a garage sale. I have a lovely set of silverware I got at a garage sale for four bucks. If you can't afford four bucks, you shouldn't be eating out.
5: When you're ready to order, please close your menus, or at least look up from them Waitresses are not magical creatures, able to read your mind. I wish we were. But, our only psychic abilites, seems to be this uncanny gift for asking, "How is everything?" when your mouth is full. Our only way of knowing if you're ready to order is for you to either close your menu (which tells us that you're done looking at it) or to look up and around, as if trying to locate us. Either one of these things tells me you're ready. However, looking intently at the menu, as if it contains the words of wisdom from the ages, makes me think you're not finished yet. Make our lives easier. Give me an indication you're ready to order and I'll be there. I don't want to intrude on you, unless I know you're ready.
6: It's Pepsi, deal I mentioned before why I have to correct you every time you ask for Coke instead of Pepsi, I know... but that doesn't change the fact that it is Pepsi. Sorry we don't sell Coke... well, no, I'm lying. I'm thrilled we don't sell Coke, because I hate Coke. But my opinion on the subject matters not one bit. We sell Pepsi. Get over it.
7: Don't expect brutal honesty from a server Especially when asking about your weight. We want to make you happy. We want to say what you want to hear So, unless your server is a good buddy of yours, don't say to them, "I'd like to order desert, but I'm afraid I'm fat... do I look fat to you?" Cause I don't care if the ceiling fixtures shake when you sit down, or if your ass can't fit on a booth made for three. I will look you straight in the eye and say, "Fat? You? No! Why do you think you're fat! God, I wish I looked as good as you!"
8: We don't hide food in the back A restaurant's job is to sell food. Really, it is. We don't hide your favorite dish in the back, just to fuck with your heads. Doing that would be stupid. If we have your favorite dish in stock, even if it's something we offer as a special on a particular day and this is not that particular day... (For example, if it's Saturday and you want Fish and Chips, which we only sell on Fridays and Thursdays) if we have any in stock, we'll sell it to you, gladly. Otherwise, it will probably spoil and that makes no one any money. So if I tell you, "I'm sorry, we don't have that today!" I honestly mean it. I'm just as sorry as you are we don't have it, because I want to make you happy.
9: Crayons are to be used on paper See the pretty placemat? See all the lovely things you can color on the placemat? We do that for a reason and the reason is that we don't want your child coloring on the tables and the windows. Yes, it is a bitch to get crayon off of painted and glass surfaces. No, we don't have a magical formula in the back for removing it. We use WD-40, if we happen to have it, then sterilize the shit out of any surface it touched afterwards. No, I don't like cleaning up crayon from tables and windows. It wastes my time. But, I'll be happy to give you as many child placemats as you'd like, so your child can scribble on those to his/her hearts content.
10: I do not ask for ID because I get a perverted thrill out of it I ask for ID because I have to. Anyone who looks under the age of 40 I have to ask for their ID. Don't get snitty on me. The law in Rhode Island (and many other states) is that if you don't have ID on you and I ask for it, you can't drink I don't care if you look 106. And yes, if you are going to consume alcohol and your dinner partner looks under 40, even if you don't, I have to card you as well. I card one person at a table, I have to card everyone. No, I did not make up the law. No, I can't "let this one slide." You might be an undercover policeman trying to set me up. I don't want to pay a fine. You don't want to pay my fine either, do you? By law, I'm entitled to card anyone I damned well want, for any reason I want. And I'm also allowed to refuse you service for any reason I want. And your baby fits only tell me you're too irresponsible to be drinking. So, please, do me and the rest of the restaurant a favor. Shut the fuck up and give me your ID. The sooner I can check it, the sooner I can get your precious Long Island Iced Tea.
11: I cannot bring more than one alcoholic beverage per person to a table No, I don't care that it's last call. I don't care that you're very thirsty. Law states I can only bring one drink per person No, being a baby about it isn't going to help. Live with it. The only exception seems to be if you order a bottle or a carafe of wine.