Darqstar (darqstar) wrote,
Darqstar
darqstar

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Advice for felines, from a feline.






Dear Chrissy

I'm a two-year old white persian female and the best looking cat in the universe. However, recently my owners thought I had too many matts in my fur, and took me to the groomers and had me undergo a proceedure called a lion cut I have gone from being irresitably ravishing, to looking like a total disgrace. What ever shall I do?

Signed Dorky in Detroit.
Dear Dorky,

Bwah hah hah hah hah! Oh, you must look like one pathetic fool now. Yes, I know that's not helpful, but I just can't resist. Wow, your slaves really are of the stupid type, aren't they?

Anyway, well, first of all, you can't be the best looking cat in the universe, because I am. Maybe at one point you were second or third. But take comfort in the fact that when you hit the very bottom, there's no place to go but up.
Dear Chrissy

I spend a good half hour to an hour grooming my ass every day. My owner gets worried. Is this wrong?
Signed Don't Want To Say
Dear Goten,

You are not welcome here. How did you find the time to write me, what with your obsessive buttlicking. Go away before I taunt you!
Dear Chrissy

I'm the most special cat in the world, everyone knows that. But it seems my owners don't always realize this. Quite often, they force me to wait ungodly times for my food. I want to be fed at exactly 4:52 a.m. Yet, they will, more times than not, make me wait until almost 5:00 a.m. before I can eat. I think that if this problem isn't fixed soon, I shall whither away to nothing.

Signed, Starving In Seatle.
Dear Starving.

You are not the most special cat in the world. That honor belongs to me. But I'll forgive you, because you are clearly a misguided little twit, and I shall attempt to help you anyway.

First of all, 99% of your problem is your attitude. You refer to the people who care for you as owners, and therein lies your problem. Nobody owns you. You are a cat for godsake, start acting like it. Those ho-mans, (as they call themselves) are your slaves. They live and breathe mearly to serve you. Therefore, you should be fed whenever you damned well feel like it.

Show some pride in who you are and be a cat. It won't be easy, but you can train ho-mans, it just takes some work. Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. begin pestering them to feed you. Do not let them rest until they get up and feed you. Use any means necessary. Claws and teeth are quite useful. A few weeks of this, and they'll start to long for the good old days when you let them sleep until 4:52 a.m. On the good side, once ho-mans learn something, they rarely forget it.
Dear Chrissy

I live with the most miserable cat in the world! She's a total bitch and she never wants to play with me, and I'm so cute and loveable! I chase her all around the house, trying to get her to play with me, but she ignores me, or sinks her claws into my forehead and hurts me! What am I going to do?
Signed: I don't want to say
Dear Goten

Why do you keep bothering me? GO AWAY!
Dear Chrissy,

I'm a 10 month old male grey stripped tiger, and I'm getting to be quite the stud with the neighborhood females. I've heard you are the most beautiful cat in the world. Is this true and maybe you'd like to get together some night for a little... walk on the wild side!

Signed: Horny in Houston
Dear Horny,

Yes, I am the best looking cat in the world. As for getting together with you, I'm afraid that doesn't seem very likely at this time, or any time, as I hate other cats. But, I am curious... have your slaves ever said the words, "Vet" and "fixed" in the same sentence around you?
Dear Chrissy
I love my little ball with the bell in it. I could chase it around for hours. Wheeee! Do you like to chase balls with bells in them around? It's lots of fun!

Signed: I don't want to say
Dear *eyeroll* Don't.

You are clearly the biggest idiot that ever roamed the face of the earth. I strongly suggest you kill yourself before you end up spreading your terminal stupidity around the place.
Dear Chrissy

I'm a 1 year old part siamese female and I am desperate to have kittens. Because I am the most beautiful, and exotic creature in the entire world, I know my kittens would be just as wonderful and special as I am. Alas, I am an indoor cat, and not allowed outside. Since no male cat lives with me, I'm afraid my dreams of being a mother shall go unfufilled. Every time I look out the window and see kittens, my heart just breaks. What can I do? I'm afraid if I don't become a mother soon, I shall whither up and die!

Signed Barren in Boston
Dear Barren.

You really give cats a bad name. Don't you know that we already have an imbalance of us to ho-man slaves? For you to think about bringing more cat lives into this world, is highly selfish of you. And besides, if you're so special, do you really want to make a bunch of cats just like you? That would take away from the specialness that is you, right?

Trust me, you do not need to have kittens to feel fufilled. And I've seen what kittens can do to a beautiful cat. Long after the kittens are gone, you'll still have a little bellyflap you'll have a bitch of a time getting rid of, and your breasts will become udders. Do you want to risk being less attractive, merely for having kittens?

If you really have a nurturing instinct, I suggest you spend more time cuddling your slaves. They'll like it, because they're saps for this type of stuff and soon they'll be falling all over themselves trying to make you even happier. It's quite amusing. Just don't overdo it, or they'll come to think of it as their right.

If that doesn't work, act lonely and depressed and your ho-man slaves will likely get a kitten to keep you company. Then you can adopt the kitten. Just be careful if you don't like the kitten they bring in, cause slaves are stuborn about getting rid of them, once they make it past the door.
Dear Chrissy

Hah hah, I faked you out! You answered my last letter (about the bellball) and it was me all along. You're not as smart as I am! So there!

Signed: Goten
Dear Goten

Did you not catch the eyeroll? You fooled no one, you stupid twit. Now go and play with razor blades.
Dear Chrissy

It's Horny in Houston again. Why yes, how did you know my slaves were using the world "Vet" and "Fixed" in the same sentence around me? I'm afraid I haven't paid much attention, because I know they refer not to me. After all, I am not broken.

Still, I am quite disappointed you don't wish to meet. I'm sure I could make all your dreams come true. *Wink*

Signed (again): Horny in Houston
Dear Horny,

Oh yes, your slaves are talking about you. You may not be broken, but you're not quite perfect. Trust me, what they have planned for you is a great thing, especially for all the female cats in your area. They'll really appreciate the change in you when this is over.
Dear Chrissy

Why are you such a bitch?

Signed: Don't want to say
Dear Goten,

Because lesser cats like you ask me stupid questions.
Dear Chrissy

My life is so hard. My slaves are constantly expecting me to play with them, or to be cute for them, and sometimes it's so bad I only get 20 hours of sleep a day! All this affection is going to make me old before my time! Also, they sometimes don't change my litterbox for almost 3 minutes after I use it. And the food they serve me is really vile. It smells like... well, like it should be coming out one end instead of going in the other, if you get my drift.

I could go on and on, because this is merely the tip of the iceberg. My slaves try to only give me a tiny part of the bed, while they hog 90% of it. Sometimes they even fill my bowl with ordinary tap water instead of--
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but really, darling, you need some serious cheese with that whine. It's not my fault your haven't trained your slaves well. Clearly you're deficiant and stupid. Not my problem.
Dear Chrissy
I'm gonna tell Mommy what you've been doing on her computer when she's gone!

Signed: Don't want to say
Dear Goten,

That does it, you're a dead cat as soon as I get my claws on you!
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