I have totally trashed my knee.
And I have done it in the dorkiest way you could ever imagine.
Let me explain... please, before the pain meds kick in. Okay, I went to my parents. We all went out to dinner. This was a lot of fun. I had shrimp and chicken scampi, so I was pretty pleased with things. It was really good. The waitstaff where we went never knew it was my birthday and didn't humiliate me.
Now, my day, (except for the Debbie part) has been going like crap. Work was a bitch, everything just went wrong today, but dinner went really well, so I figured the curse had lifted. So, we all go back to my parents house for cake and family humiliation, which is a lot more fun than public humiliation.
So, we're all standing outside of my parents house, shooting the breeze, talking about the neighborhood and all the pretty flowers. The conversation leads to cats. We're exchanging stories about our cats. Finally, I tell one of my famous Goten stories, which involves him supposedly getting his paw hurt by me and how he limped for several days, but only when he knew I was watching him.
I demonstrait the limp...
I accidentally slid my foot, wearing slippery sandles, into a small indent.
I litterally roll, ass over tea kettle over myself, wearing a dress mind you, and slam down on the driveway, sliding my knee across the blacktop. I am so glad I was wearing the really correct conservative black underwear to go with the really correct black dress, because otherwise, the nice retirement community my folks belong to would have seen a lot more of me than they ever dreamed of, mainly my fat naked ass.
Everyone comes running over to see if I'm all right and I just was gasping, the pain is so bad. Finally, I shift around to look at my knee... blood is oozing out, dripping all over the driveway, flaps of skin are just hanging there, like, well, like flaps of skin.
And there is my dad going, "Can you walk on it? Get up and walk on it!"
And of course, the neighbors, who spend vast amounts of time looking out the windows begin to come out... (I assume they hadn't come out early, because the sight of my fat ass scared them into hiding in the basement...) "Are you okay? Did you break anything? Can you walk on it?"
And my dad is going, "Please, see if you can put some weight on it." And trying to lift me up.
Well, let's just say the folks in the nice little retirement village now know that my parents have raised a daughter that can make a sailor blush with her language if she's pushed. "Leave me the fuck alone!"
Everyone backs off, slowly.
I looked at my knee and realized that despite the big flaps of skin, the blood, and the swelling, that I don't see any bone, and I don't see anything that looked internal becoming suddenly external, except for my blood.
Slowly, I work myself up to a half standing position, and fall over.
On my knee.
More swearing commences, but at least I haven't given the neighbors any good crotch shots. We should all be grateful for the little things, right?
We finally get me on my feet and into the house. Yes, I can walk on the leg, it just hurts a whole lot.
The neighbors figure the show is over and go home. Daddy, who I love dearly, decides that we need to clean the damage and disinfect it with RUBBING ALCOHOL! And, as he plops a cloth, soaked with it on my knee he says, "This might hurt just a tad!"
I swear, I came this close *Holds up two fingers together* to grabbing him by his balls and saying, "And so might this!" and twisting. But I know he means well, he's just... misguided.
The end results of this is that I'm home. I have already changed the gauze pad three times, because of the blood. But, the good news is that nothing looks super deep. Yes, I have skin flaps, but I think it's just a major skinning, not a huge damaging. Yes, it's swollen, yes it's bruised, but it seems to be just the mother of skinned knees, not a fractured kneecap.
And if that wasn't enough, when I drove home, and limped into the house and into the bathroom, I realized... I had my period.
Yeah, I just love being me.
I swear if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.