Outside, Goku was about to fly home when a noise stopped him. He paused and listened. It sounded like someone or something was shuffling about, scuffing up papers and other debris. It's probably a stray dog he said to himself. Once again, he started to power up to fly, but then he heard a voice.
"Rats, rats, rats, RATS!"
Goku paused. The voice seemed to be coming from just up the street a bit. Curious, he headed towards it.
A small ways down from the little store where the Grandmother worked, the buildings separated a bit. Not enough to make a real street, more of a small, alley. It was from down this dirty alley that Goku heard the voice coming again.
"Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, RATS AND DOUBLE RATS!" The voice was low and deep, the kind of voice that should roll off the brick walls of the alley and carry into the night, but instead, it seemed to stay only with the speaker. There was a gravelly sound to it, as if the speaker really needed to clear his throat and maybe take a lozenge.
There were no streetlights in the alley, and due to the lack of stars in the sky, it was pitch black. He thought of an expression from one of the books Krillen liked to read, by that horror writer, Steven King. Once, out of boredom, Goku had grabbed one of those books and tried to read it. It wasn't his type of book, but he'd read enough to see the words that formed his now thought, It's as black as a woodchuck's asshole. Then it occurred to him that he really shouldn't be using that expression, because he'd never really seen a woodchuck's asshole. Sure, he'd seen woodchucks before, they were plentiful around his place and were always getting into ChiChi's garden, much to her dismay, But he'd never taken the time to study one up close enough to see if indeed, a woodchuck's asshole was as dark as the expression indicated it should be. But, he was pretty sure he didn't want to either. Some things are better remaining a mystery, and the color of a woodchuck's ass- err, maybe I should say butthole is one of those
Temporarily forgetting why he'd even come down here, due to being lost in his private thoughts about woodchucks and their assholes, Goku turned to leave. Then he heard the voice again.
The voice reminded Goku that it was the reason he'd come down this far in the first place, when he should be getting the pickles and milk home to ChiChi. He squinted, trying to see in the total blackness that might, or might not be the same shade as a certain orriface on a woodchuck. He thought that he could maybe, vaugly make out a shape towards the end of the alley, so he turned to that. "Is something wrong?"
The vauge, dark, lumpy, shape in the end of the alley turned and looked at him. And even though it was still pitch black, even though the moon was still safely hidden behind it's velvet blanket of clouds and the light from the streetlamps didn't extend to this dismal alley, Goku could see the speaker's eyes clearly. Large, round, and red And when they spotted Goku, they became even larger, more round, and if possible, more red.
"Rats!" The voice repeated, but not sounding nearly as upset as it had previously, nor as loud. "Ah hah! Here I thought all I could find tonight were rats!"
"OH!" Goku nodded, understanding now, and barely noticing the figure was coming towards him. "You meant, rats as in animals! I thought you meant rats like, shoot, or too bad, or shuckie darns!"
The figure moved quickly up the alley and by the time the s from shuckie darns had left his lips, the figure was right in front of him. "Yessss," the voice hissed, sounding both anxious and delighted at the same time. Those red eyes seemed to glitter even brighter, become even redder.
His breath hit Goku in the face, causing him to cringe. It was hot, nasty, breath, reminding him of the wind that had blown earlier down the street. The wind the old woman said was an "ill wind" that wasn't going to blow any good. And worse than the heat was the smell. It smelled like dead, rotting flesh, like old blood, like sweatsocks worn for five years straight, then put in a vat of rotten meat to ripen. That smell like every single bad thing that Goku had ever smelled in his entire life, all rolled up into one, but then magnified a million times.
"Peeeew!" Goku cried. Even though he knew it was impolite, he couldn't stop himself. He reached up and fanned the air around his face, trying desperately to get rid of that stench. "Boy, you really need a breath mint!"
"Silence, you fool!" The voice roared.
"Yeah, I know it's impolite of me to say that," Goku continued, ignoring the request for silence. "But really, I'm only doing it for your own good. Your breath smells really bad. You need to learn to brush your teeth better. Do you want to get cavities? You need to brush after every meal and in between too. And try flossing. Some Listerine wouldn't hurt you either, you know."
The figure stared at him, his blood red eyes widening again, but this time in disbelief. His mouth opened, hanging freely as he gaped at Goku, for a moment, unable to speak, but able to blow that disgustingly terrible breath onto Goku's face, which made his eyes water. Goku stepped back and rubbed his eyes.
Having come towards him, closer to the street lights, Goku could now see the figure. Goku thought it must be a guy, but he wasn't too sure of that. What he was sure of, was that this was the ugliest looking person he'd ever seen. This poor guy, girl, or whatever it is, is never going to find a girlfriend. And Krillen thought he had it bad, being so short. Krillen has got it all over this.... whatever it is! I'm pretty sure it's a guy though... that voice sounded like a guy's voice.
The.. thing's face was pasty white, with tiny, blue veins running behind the skin, almost looking like some parasitic spider had burrowed under the skin and spun an elaborate web. A web that ran over the creature's skull, Goku could see, because he didn't have a hair on his head. His nose was one of those long, pointed, twisted things. But as bad as that was, his mouth was worse. Large, open, and black inside, except for gleeming white teeth, teeth that looked far too white, far too heathly to be in a mouth with breath that bad. And his tongue was moving around inside his mouth, not like a normal tongue, it seemed instead to be pulsing like it wasn't really a tongue, but a huge, black, glistening slug he was using as a substitute.
"Gosh," Goku said, his own eyes widening in shock. "You look really bad. Did you get into a fight or something? Or do you like, have some terrible disese?"
The creature's mouth shut suddenly, and his expression twisted into one of anger. "Do you have any idea who you are speaking to?"
"Nope, not a clue!" Goku said, shaking his head cheerfully. "You never told me who you were. Then again, I never told you who I am. I'm Goku!" He held out his hand, offering it.
The creature stared at Goku's hand for a moment, as if he couldn't grasp the concept of someone offering their hand to shake.
"It's okay, I don't bite," Goku said, still holding out his hand.
The creature seemed to shrink back for a moment, as if something in Goku scared him. Then he shook his head rapidly the gesture helping him regain his composure. He drew himself up to his full height, which was just a bit taller than Goku, and drew in a deep breath. "Foolish mortal! Do you really mean to tell me you have no clue as to who.. or should I say what I am?"
"No, I just told you that, " Goku said, patiently. Boy, this guy is dumb! he thought. "You haven't told me your-"
"Silence!" The creature interrupted. And even though Goku thought he was being extremely rude, he closed his mouth. People like this guy always had stuff they wanted to say, and Goku found it was pointless to try to stop them. Better to shut up and let them get it over with.
Satisfied that Goku was indeed following his advice this time, the creature glared at him. "AS I WAS SAYING-"
"I'm not deaf you know," Goku interrupted, unable to stop himself.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" the creature repeated, louder this time, before lowering his voice. "I am the voice of the night, I am the nightmare of the world, I am the bringer of-"
"Are you darkwing duck?" Goku asked, tipping his head to one side. "You don't look like Darkwing duck."
"NO!" the creature thundered, then moaned. "Oh damn it, don't you know a vampire when you see one?"
"A what?" Goku asked. The creature's moan had gotten louder as he finished the sentence, so the last part had been a bit garbled.
"A VAMPIRE!" The creature repeated, a bit clearer now, but with a lot more impatience in the tone. "Nosferatu, creature of the night, bloodsucker, leach in human form, scurge of the nighttime world, king of the undead..."
"Oh!" Goku's eyes lit up, understanding now. "A vampire, I get it now. But boy, you're pretty ugly for a vampire. I thought vampires were all really good looking, like that Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt guy were in that movie, but not you. You're... well.... I hate to be rude like this, but you really are not a very good looking guy...."
"Of course I'm not, I haven't FED" the creature roared, then added, "Yet."
"Well, maybe you should feed then," Goku said, nodding. "I always feel better after a good meal too."
The vampire stared at Goku. Could it really be this easy? Was his mental powers working on this simple creature in a different way than normal, making it so this... creature who called himself Goku was offering himself up for dinner? The usual way of ensnaring victims was to either sneak up behind them, or hypmotize them with his penetrating gaze. He certainly hadn't snuck up on Goku, and Goku sure didn't look hypmotized, but then again, clearly the man wasn't all there in the head. Maybe this was the way someone like him became affected. He moved closer to Goku.
When he was just about close enough to grab him, Goku moved back on his feet, in nimble steps that could barely be seen by the human eye. "Missed!"
"Are you playing games with me, foolish mortal?"
"I don't know, " Goku said, frowning for a moment. "Do you want to play games? I know a great one... it's called tag." Before the creature quite knew what happened, Goku rushed forward, just enough so he could tap him on the chest with the tip of his finger. "You're it!" he cried, spun on his heel, and took off, running down the street.
The vampire stared after him for a moment, as if unable to believe what was happening. He was a vampire for pete's sake, people weren't supposed to play tag with a vampire. They were supposed to tremble in fear, or become like mindless slaves. Not run off. Then, it hit him that his dinner was getting away. Spreading his arms, so his cape spread from him and looked like a vampires wings, the creature concentraited.
As Goku ran up the street, he turned to see if the creature was following him. He couldn't see if he was or not, then suddenly he colided with something in his path.
He didn't have to look to see who it was, he could smell the breath. "Aw, you're good!" Goku said. "Okay, now I'm it..."
"That's right," the vampire hissed moving his face closer to Goku, "You're it alright."
"You really shouldn't suck the blood of someone who's it," Goku said, not moving away, not even flinching. "It's bad luck."
The absurdity of the statement caused the vampire to pause. "Wh-what?"
"I said you shouldn't suck the blood of someone who's it," Goku said, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe he had to explain this. "it's bad luck."
"Says everyone." Goku said, with a voice of assurance as if imparting the wisdom of the ages, or something that everyone just knew, like opening an umbrella in the house, or walking under a ladder was back luck too. "See, you should tag me, then I'll chase you again, then you double back and get me when I least suspect it. That's the way you should do it." He nodded, adding yet more confidence to his words.
Struck by the absurdity of the entire situation, the vampire did something he never would have dreamed he'd do in a million years.
"But I'm so hungry!" That grotesque mouth of his twisted into a shape that almost seemed as if it were... pouting, and his eyes half closed in an expression of petulant sadness.
"Oh, we can fix that," Goku said. He reaching into the reusuable shopping bag he'd just bought and pulled out the jar of pickles.
Still stunned the creature watched him, not blinking.
Goku opened the jar. "Mmmm, pickles!" He said, holding one out to the vampire.
The vampire reached out one of his clawed fingers, as if to touch the pickle, looking as if he still was unable to believe this was happening. Then, he stopped, his eyes widening with horror, and reached out, shoving Goku away, quickly. "That... that thing contains garlic!"
"Well of course," Goku said, "They're garlic half sour pickles, my favorite kind, what did you expect. And now look what you did!"
Reluctantly, his eyes beginning to sting from the fumes from the pickle jar, the vampire looked at Goku. Liquid was dripping off him, like water... no, like
"PICKLE JUICE!" the vampire roared.
"Yeah," Goku said, shaking his head. "When you pushed me, you made me drop this whole jar of pickles onto me. Now I'm covered with pickle juice. I'm a total mess and I don't have any pickles to bring home for ChiChi. That wasn't very nice of you!"
"And... now... I can't touch you!" The vampire whispered in disbelief.
"Oh, that's too bad," Goku said. For a brief moment, the vampire would have sworn he'd seen something behind those innocent, almost childlike eyes of Goku. Something that said Goku knew exactly what he was doing, and had indeed had the upper hand the whole time. Then, suddenly the gleem was gone. "I would have loved to play tag with you some more. It's a good work out. But I really need to get this milk home to my wife. She'll be worried. So, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Vampire. Maybe we'll see each other again someday?"
His nostrils flared in anger and shock, the vampire's eyes widened until looking at them was like looking straight into hell. "NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST!" he roared.
"Have it your way," Goku shrugged. Safely covered in a layer of garlic enriched pickle juice, Goku turned and headed down the street. At least he still had the milk, even if he didn't have the pickles. When he rounded the corner, he looked to see if the vampire was following him. He wasn't.
He'd noticed when he was walking away, that the store with the nice Grandmother was now dark. Apparently, she'd decided to take her own advice and close early that night. Goku was glad. She'd been the only person other than himself who'd been out, and if she was home now, it meant she was safe. For Goku knew, like everyone, that Vampires can't enter a house where they were not invited. And Goku knew that Grandmother was not the type to invite a vampire into her house.
Especially not one who's that dumb," Goku thought to himself, as he powered up and flew off.
By the time he'd cleared the city, the stars and the moon were out.
Author's notes... this story is dedicated to Seris. Not because she said, "Write a story about Goku meeting a vampire!" but because she asked for Goku stories for her community.
I've been having a horrible case of writer's block, but something in her request must have gotten the wheels turning. Work was dead today, so I was asked if I wanted to leave early. When I came home, I was going to watch TV, and suddenly this idea came to me. "What would happen if you sent Goku out for milk?" The rest of it fell into place and I wrote this story in less than three hours. Which explains a lot of the roughness to it. I should probably hold onto it before putting it up, but I know me. If I hold it for even a day, I'll hate it. It's a breaker story (first one written after a long, dry, spell) and I usually hate those stories the worst.
The "Vampire" in the story is based on a thousand different legends and partially from the depths of my own mind. If it doesn't fit your idea of a vampire, well, too bad. Vampires have gone in and out of popularity so many times, each time picking up different traits, that you can pretty much create anything these days and say, "Yeah, it's a vampire!"
Again, Seris, thanks. I owe you big time and I hope you like the story.