I'm sorry your attempt to humiliate me, shame me, or make me feel like less of a human being, when I was being honest and forthright in my own journal failed. It seems that there are enough people who know me or at least understood where I was coming from in that post. I'm sure you would have felt a whole lot better if everyone had jumped on to agree with you, that in general, I suck.
Now, let's have at it.
To which, of course, these people give her an award! Which means nothing, because they didn't give her ALL of them!
Where the hell did you get that out of what I wrote? When did I say I wanted all the awards? In my idea of the perfect world, there would be absolutely no awards. Whether I won them or not. My whole point to this, was that awards are, to me, wrong. Because, you take what should be done for fun and for love, and suddenly turn it into something that's being done for "prizes" which, could be an indication of how good a writer you are, or... could be an indication of how much ass you kiss. But either way, you're separating the "Goods/okays/uglies" and feelings are going to be hurt. Before you have awards, you set your own standards and you go for them. It's a more private thing, between you and your readers. A reader could write 50 ff writers and say, "gosh, I love your stuff!' and it's all fine and good. No one is asking to pick favorites.
But, I was also fast to point out that this was me talking and I have no right to set the standards for the world, no right to tell people, "No, you cannot have awards." I'm saying I don't like them. And, just for the record, I had tied with the award long before I returned to fandom. Get your facts straight before you accuse me of something.
Somewhere along the road you have concluded that I feel that what's right for me, is right for the world/fandom/whatever. Nothing could be further from the truth. What's right for me, is right for me. I never once said in my original supposedly in your mind, major wankdom post, that I think awards should be abolished, that the CBFFA's are wrong. I said they were wrong for me and played a good part in driving me away from fandom. I also pointed out that this was my problem in my head, no one elses.
So, where's my big circle jerk of blaming or ego stroking? Where's my flaming? and all the other things that qualify me for such venom in my post? You might say I'm flaming the people who made me unwelcome in the chatrooms the second time I tried to come back, but I never mention them by name. And, I also admitted, that I could have easily somehow given people the impression that I was a BNF with a huge ego, that brought about this reaction, but if I had, it wasn't deliberate. People who's names I do mention, I do so either matter-of-factly or complimentary. Oh wait, do you think that's "Circular ego-stroking?" Uhm... excuse me, just because I've written fanfiction, does that mean if I compliment anyone else on their abilities, I'm engaging in circular ego-stroking? No, I don't think so. Just because I've written fanfiction, doesn't mean I have to become self contained. There are people out there who's writing I've complimented... because... *gasp* they're good writers. It has nothing to do with my writing when I compliment someone else's writing.
Now, as for the accusation that Nute was pulling wank when he responded to my post... now you pissed me off. You want to flame me, well, I suppose that's your right, although I think running off somewhere else to flame me, even if it is a community designed for for the purpose, is cowardly. "I can't tell her to her face she's being a wank, I'll go here and do it!" The post you pounced on was left on public display. I did that deliberately, so that if people wanted to argue with me and tell me I was wrong, they could do it. But you ran off to do it, hoping that everyone would rally around you, agree with you, say I belong in the Wank Hall of Shame and pat you on your widdle head, and tell you, "Good girl, you found the wank!" So, now who's ego stroking? If you really cared as much as you claim you do, you'd tell me your feelings in my journal. But what you are, is a coward. It's so easy to run off and post it somewhere else now, isn't it? It's a lot harder to do it right to the person you want to humliate.
But, as for Nute, where the hell do you get off insinuating that his response, which was actually doing nothing more than giving me a decent piece of advice is wankback? Everyone who knows anything about Nute and myself know there is nothing even resembling love lost between the two of us. We don't get along, we are oil and water. He could have snarked it up in my journal, he damned well could have told me I was feeling sorry for myself, that it was a good thing I left fandom, cause I don't have the ego to take it, whatever. I was as honest as hell about my feelings in that post and I left it public, he could have declaired hunting season on old Darqstar and shot me up good.
But he didn't. Instead, he made a very civilized, response, even attempting to give me advice. The man had a loaded gun in his hand, one I gave to him, and instead of targeting it on me, he simply showed me a way to put on the safety so I won't shoot myself in the foot. (And if you don't get that analogy, go and really *read* my so-called wanker post and his so called wanker response and get back to me. If you still don't get it, then sorry, you're just stupid.) And you accuse him of being a huge wank. And that, pisses me off to no end. Where do you get off insulting people who are attempting to be civil? Or is this some little flea up your ass that says either A: Anything Nute says or does must be wrong, because... it's Nute!" or B: How dare someone give Darqstar advice when I, the queen have declaired it Wank? It's got to be one of the two, I'm suspecting A, simply because you strike me as the type that looks for what you percieve to be the popular whipping boy, and you pounce on them. In this case, you think that you get the gold star for pouncing on Darqstar, and then you get the big old silver one for pouncing on Nute. "Whee, two for the price of one!"
You want to think I'm a wanker, well, I can't stop you. To be honest, I really don't give a shit, because it seems that the people who know me know the truth about what I am. But I can't stop you. Think what you want. But at least have the balls to tell me what you think, don't run off. And for god's sake, show one iota of class will you? Don't accuse someone of wanking unless it's real. Don't just leap on a name, like you did with Nute. For anyone to think that his advice to me was wanking, they'd have to stretch their imagination extremely far, and not for a moment, do I believe you have that much imagination.
You know, I was willing to let this pretty much go, and not say anything, till I saw that it wasn't enough for you to insult me, but you had to include an innocent bystander in your wrath. And yes, in this case, Nute was an innnocent bystander. And mind you, this is coming from someone who does not get along with the man, nor he with me.
In trying to make me look like a huge wank, you came off looking like a wanker yourself. You wrote your post looking for praise and agreement. To swell up your own ego. Well, I hope you got what you wanted out of it. You went to an awful lot of work to misread the post and pick out what you wanted, work like that should be rewarded.
And, just because you sent out a goodamned invitation for it, and it would be fucking rude of me not to accept, I can't let this gem pass...
Times like this, I'm glad I left that particluar ltitle corner of fandom.
And I'm sure the noise you heard when you walked away, was the sound of X-men fandom folks sighing in collective relief that you were leaving.
Have a good day.