Had I known this earlier, I would have bought tums for everyone for Christmas instead of the gifts I did buy.
My brother and his family are probably eating at my sister in law's mother's house this year. This is a good thing. For once we might have an intelligent conversation that doesn't involve my brother making fart jokes and his kids laughing at them. (said children are in their 20's by now)
At Thanksgiving he entertained us by telling us when he was in the hospital for his accident, the first thing he told his 24 year old daughter was, "Jessica, they cut off my fucking dick!" *
He blamed the painkillers. In truth I think he's been dying to say that to someone all his life.
Other interesting facts... if you tell them you're an alcoholic now at the hospital, they bring you beer with your meals. Yet, if you tell them you're a smoker, they beat you with sharp, pointed sticks. Well, not quite, but they sure do a good job of making you feel like shit. I'm not asking to smoke in a hospital, I'm just saying have some goddamned sympathy for me, and when I'm spazing out cause I'm scared as hell of hospitals anyway, don't say, "Smoking is bad for you." Trust me, I know. But at that point, anything that will kill me faster seems like a really good thing. And get me a goddamned patch while you're at it.
Goten found the box of Chocolate covered cherries I bought for my brother in law and his wife. Ripped open said box and ate a lot of it. Weirdly though, he didn't eat much of the chocolate, more of the cherries and cherry goo inside. Then, threw up all over the house. Entire cherries came spewing out of his mouth.
Yes, that story is still gross, but after I had disposed of the box and the rest of the cherries, after he had spewed his little guts out, after we cleaned it all up...
He knocked over the trashcan and tried digging for the box again.
Chrissy is acting very skittish today. I think she's secretly calling the newspapers and putting ads in. "Free to good home. One retarded orange cat. No refrences required. Serial killers welcome."
Remy has decided that if he scratches on the windows long enough, they will melt and he can go outside. He hasn't been an outside cat for over 5 years, since before we got him, but suddenly, he wants to go outside. All day long we hear, "Scratch scratch scratch" on the glass. He's a good cat though. When you tell him to stop he looks at you with a horribly guilty look while he keeps scratching the window. I'm convinced that's about the best you can hope for.
There is a very mangy brown striped cat who's hanging around our house, rushing to greet me whenever I walk outside. Tonight when we went to find food, the cat came rushing up to me.
Todd look at me and said, "If you even think about it, I'm moving out." Keep in mind I had not said a word.
11 years of marage and the man knows me too well.
Did you know if you put a frozen Pita pocket in the microwave and accidentally set it for 10 minutes instead of seconds, it swells up, bursts and thick yellow smoke will pour out of your microwave? Yeah, I'll bet you didn't. Well, I do. Don't ask.
One of my friends, who shall remain nameless, but I know she looks at this journal from time to time, is thinking seriously of going to visit her mother on Christmas. I told her seriously that should she do that, I will lose all respect for her and to be honest, I don't have the time to nurse her back to some semblance of mental health when she returns from the trip. The last time she did this, when she came home, she went to bed for 5 days. I also told her that I will break into her place, steal everything valuable she owns before she goes, and stash it at my parents house, until she comes back, because if I don't do that, and she takes any of it, her mother will steal it from her and hock it.
And I know I shouldn't be sharing these interesting facts about my friends, but I'm doing this deliberately, so I have witnesses. Thus I have written, thus it shall be done.
And thus, even though I have shared very personal stuff in this post, I shall not friends lock it.
*Edit: No, they did not cut of his penis, what happened was they gave him one of those bag arrangements, he saw the bag and being more concerned about his penis than anything else in his life, assumed the worst had happened and they had cut it off.