August 27th, 2004


I'm quiet lately, I know...

I haven't been posting much lately, I know. Sometimes it seems like it takes all I have to do my walking journal.

I've hit a massive funk and I know it. I'm not really depressed... well, maybe I am a little, but it's not like "The black cloud has covered me, I hate my life and hope I die." It's just like this... layer of grey apathy is coating me. I'm fed up with the fact that with all the walking, the weight/inches aren't coming off. I'm fed up with the fact that my right knee/foot/leg in general is acting up and I can't do much about it, mostly because I'm 99% sure the problem is that I need new sneakers and right now they just aren't in the budget.

And yes, I could still write entries...but I have the feeling most of them would fall right into, "Oh woe is me... my life is sooo unfayyyyaaaarrrrr!" and you know what? I hate it when I do that, I really do. Every time I go off on a little pity party staring Darqstar, I just want to smack myself silly.

Cause you know? Life ain't so bad when you look at the whole it really isn't. I have a wonderful husband who works damned hard for a living. We have a place to live that no one is trying to take away from us. We aren't starving. I have two loving psychotic cats that keep my days and evenings full of mirth and cheap entertainment. My parents, while getting quite a bit up in years are still doing pretty good. I have a great niece who I don't see very often, but when I do, I finally found a baby that doesn't freak out and spaz. In fact, I can even hold her and she doesn't immedietly get this tight lipped, "Oh shit, this is agony!" look on her face. She either sleeps or grins.

So, it's not like I can say "Life sucks" and feel very honest about it, because life doesn't suck. It's just right now that... well... I suck. No, I don't mean it in that thinnly veiled sorta, "See? I just insulted myself, please rush and tell me how gweat I really am." It's just like this grey layer of... apathy has coated things. I want some enthusasm back, but for the last...almost week, it feels like some sort of emotion vampire has been sneaking around sucking all the good stuff out of me.

I want to hide. Do you know what I mean? Not like run away and hide forever, but just sorta curl up in my room, blank out the world and wait for this to pass. I know it will.

The only thing that bothers me, is that the walking was helping a lot with my depression. And, yeah, I'm still walking, and I still feel it is helping, because i have the feeling if I weren't walking at all, I'd be in a full-blown, "I wish I were dead!" mood, instead of this grey haze. But, I finally thought I had it beat you know? I finally thought I had my emotions under control so I was in charge, not them. And now this is rearing up.

So... if you've read this far, you probably understand completely why I've been kinda quiet. Cause Darqstar is not a fun person to be around at this moment. And I get the feeling everything I say/do is going to be tinged with this haze, you know? A good example was at work... one of the girls I work with just got financing and got a brand new car. She's in a state of euphoria right now. I had to bite my tongue from going, "Eww, isn't the insurance gonna kill ya?" Because I'm sure she knows insurance is going to suck, but right now she's so thrilled with owning a brand new, overpowerlingly newsmell car, that she's in 7th heaven. Who the heck am I to pee on her parade? It doesn't make a difference in my life if she's paying through the nose, and every other orafice for car insurance.

On the other hand... I did see Dork Squirrel when walking home today. I haven't seen him for a few weeks. I almost didn't realize it was him, I thought at first it was just a squirrel who's tail was wrapped to the side I couldn't see, then he got up and stretched and I saw it was good old Dork.

And I grinned like someone just gave me a present. It just made me feel 40% better, that silly old Dork squirrel is still dork of the park.

So, maybe this mood is lifting. I'd like that. Cause while I don't hate myself, I'm not exactly thrilled with myself right now either.
  • Current Mood