Well, it's another beautiful morning in Woonsocket. Fall has come into it's own and the weather is sunny, but chilly, with a hint of winter in the air.
All around, folks are getting prepared for the anual festival known as AutumFest. Folks come from all over New England to attend this event.
But, that's not our concern. Instead, let's go down this little street and check out what is happening in the home of Darqstar, shall we?
there were three little kitties. One of them was named Remmington Steele, because of his beautiful silver coat. Most of the time, folks refered to him as Remy or Remykitty. Sometimes, folks called him Goku, but that's not important right now. He was a good cat, a friendly cat, but not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The second cat was Christmas. She was a beautiful long haired grey cat, with a white patch under her chin. Yes, Christmas was a most beautiful cat, but she was often accused of having the personality of a wet hornet. This earned her the nickname of PsychoChrissy.
The third kitty was the youngest and his name was Goten. Goten had a beautiful, thick coat of orange striped fur. He was not a kitten anymore and he was not quite a cat. What this meant, boys and girls, was that he romped, played, and frisked about like a tiny kitten, but due to his weighing about eight pounds, having him about was rather akin to having someone bounce a bowling ball through the house several times a day. A bowling ball with teeth and claws.
On this bright, beautiful morning, the three little kitties woke up very hungry. So, they went into the kitchen, where two full bowls of kitty crunchies were waiting for them. However, they were very very hungry, and soon had woofed down every crumb. But, their appitite was not satisfied. Their tummies still rumbling, they sat in the kitchen to discuss this.
"Whatever shall we do?" Goten cried out. "I was recently a street cat and therefore, I must eat every ten seconds now. There is no food in the bowls! I shall wither away to nothing!"
"No you won't," Remy said, cheerfully. "Darqstar will provide for us. She always does."
"Hah!" Chrissy snorted, flicking an imaginary peice of dust off her impecably clean coat. "Darqstar is sleeping, the lazy bitch. She cares not for our comfort. Remember, I was deathly ill, not long ago and wasted away, loosing 1/4 a pound. If we do not take matters into our own hands, we shall surely starve!"
"No!" Goten cried, tears staining his little kitty cheeks. "I have been hungry before and I do not like this. I never want to be hungry again! We have to do something, PsychoChrissy! What shall we do? What shall we do?"
"Uh, we just ate two huge bowls of crunchies," Remy reminded the two of them. "I don't think we'll starve before MommyDarqstar awakes. And once she sees we have no crunchies, she will fill the bowls again."
"No, she won't," Chrissy said, firmly. "Not unless we do something and do it soon. Already, I feel the faint stirrings of a hunger pain. The time is now."
"What do we do, what do we do?" Goten cried out, leaping about in the air and shaking the floor as he landed. "Should I run into a wall? Will that help?"
"No, you will not run into a wall." Chrissy rolled her eyes. Oh great Goddess of cats, she silently prayed. Save me from males with hard hats, females with hard hearts and idiot kittens I am forced to live with. Shaking her head, she looked at the other two, her eyes narrowing into determined slits. "Follow me, little ones. I shall show you what needs to be done."
"Are you sure you don't want me to run into a wall?" Goten asked, following her.
"Remy, please turn around and bite him in the ear," Chrissy ordered, not even turning.
"Okay!" Remy turned around and chomped on Goten's ear.
The squalk Goten made was horrible. "Hey, why did you do that!" he cried out, once the pain had diminished.
"Sorry, Goten," Remy said. "Chrissy's orders."
"Oh, well then, I guess that's okay." Goten nodded, his good humor instantly restored.
The three cats scampered to the door which lead into Darqstar's chamber. The gentle sounds of a human sleeping could be heard from inside.
"What's she trying to do?" Goten asked, "Shake the paint off the wall?"
"Humans are often disgustingly loud creatures when they sleep," Chrissy said, with an air of one who was quite experienced in such things. "Come on, little ones, we need to go in." She walked in, her tail held high.
Remy started to follow, then stopped, for Goten was still in the doorway. "What's wrong, Goten?" he asked.
Goten wrapped his tail around his feet and crouched down a bit. "I am afraid," he confessed. "There is an evil creature in that room that wants to take my soul."
Chrissy and Remy stared at each other. This was news to them! "I have not seen such a creature," Chrissy said. "When did this creature get here?"
"Yesterday," Goten said, trying bravely to keep the tears at bay. "He sits quietly behind the magic thing that holds liquid, but unlike a waterbowl, you can see through it to the other side. He moves only a slight bit, which lures me close, but when I get close, he moves suddenly, and it frightens me. I think he is trying to lure my soul into the magic container to feast upon. The only thing saving me is that he gets too excited upon thinking victory is his. This frightens me and therefore he doesn't get my soul. But if I am not careful, one day he will win!"
Chrissy looked at Remy. "You speak twit. Do you have any idea of what the hell he's talking about?"
"Uh, no," Remy admitted. "Obviously this is a twit dialect I haven't encountered.
So, Chrissy thought for a bit, as she looked about Darqstar's room. Her eyes came to rest on a fishtank sitting upon the dresser. "Is that what you're talking about?" she asked Goten.
Goten looked briefly in the direction Chrissy was, then turned away. "Y-yes," he whispered. "Please don't look too long, Chrissy, it will suck up your soul!"
Chrissy closed her eyes for a moment, gathering strenght. If they paid cash for stupidity, these two would be the richest creatures in the land! she thought.
Remy ventured futher into the room. "Hey, I know what that is!" he said. "Mommy said it was a fish!"
"No!" Goten protested, "It is a soul-sucking creature!"
"SILENCE!" Chrissy demanded. "It is neither!"
"But I clearly heard Mommy say it was a fish!" Remy protested.
"Pft!" Chrissy snorted, waving her paw. "Everyone knows that fish does not move. Fish does not live in water. Fish comes from the magical land known as Stop & Shop and it comes to us in nice containers, wrapped in plastic, until it is seasoned with lemon and broiled. Fish is big and quite delicious. How can that little thing be fish?"
"I don't know, but that's what Mommy said it was," Remy said, stubornly.
"It's a soul sucking creature!" Goten said, sticking to his opinion.
"Oh, silence!" Chrissy said, having quite enough of this. "It is not a fish, nor is it a soul sucking creature."
"Then what is it?" Goten and Remy asked in unison.
Chrissy thought for a moment. "It is a small bathtub," she finally concluded. "And the creature inside is not really a creature, but a small, colorful bar of soap."
"You really think so?" Goten asked, hope beginning to creep into his voice.
"I know so!" Chrissy said. "Dare you two question me?"
"No," Goten said, quite quickly.
And she thinks I'm the idiot, Remy thought.
"Now, shall we continue on our mission?" Chrissy asked.
"Yes!" Goten said, his fear forgotten. "For it has been a whole ten minutes since my last crunchie and I am so hungry!"
So, the three cats crept in the room. Very quietly, Chrissy lead them over to the bed, where they slunk up.
On the bed, Darqstar was sleeping, looking much like an angel on earth, except for the drool staining her cheeks. The three cats surrounded her.
"Have you ever noticed how big their heads are?" Goten asked, his voice a faint whisper. "They have such huge heads! And they are always trying to stick them close to you."
"Note the size of the mouth," Chrissy said. "If a human were to stretch their mouths all the way, the chances are they could swallow our heads. So, why do they get so upset when we bite them? Clearly they have the advantages."
"Mommy is warm," Remy said, moving closer. "Maybe we should just cuddle up to Mommy and wait for her to wake up."
"No," Chrissy said, shaking her head to further emphisize her words. "We must wake her. If we wait, we shall starve."
"So, how do we wake her?" Goten asked.
"Just listen to my instructions," Chrissy said. "Now, Remy, you go and stand by her head."
"Okay." Remy leaped up and behind the pillows, so he was looking down at Darqstar.
"Goten, you must leave the bed and go across the room."
"Why?" Goten asked.
"Because I said so," Chrissy answered.
"Good enough for me!" Goten leaped off the bed and ran to the far end of the room.
Chrissy nodded, then took her own position, right by Darqstar's side. "Okay, now Goten, when I count to three, I want you to run across the room, leap on the bed and land on her stomach."
"Oh boy, I get the FUN job!" Goten's little butt begain twitching as he prepared to make his move.
"Wait for my signal!" Chrissy warned him.
"So, what should we do?" Remy asked.
"Okay, at the precise moment, Goten leaps upon her stomach, I want you to sink your claws into her head. I shall sink my claws into her side. This will wake her up."
"Won't she be pissed?" Goten asked.
"Yes, but that's not our problem," Chrissy reminded them. "So, are we ready? One, two,-
Goten streaked across the room like a flash of light. The folks of Woonsocket say that he reached speeds of mach 2 on that fine morning. Darqstar has been reported at saying he also managed to magically gain 100 lbs at the precise moment he landed on her stomach.
And, at the precises moment, Goten did land upon Darqstar's stomach, Remy and Chrissy both sunk their razor sharp claws into Darqstar's tender flesh.
The screams echoed resoundly through the house, through the streets and all the way to Autumfest, where people were happily enjoying the fall day.
"Great," Remy said, when they had finished. "Now we're going to have to wait for her to get down from the ceiling before she can feed us."
Later, as morning gave way to noon, and Darqstar finally got over her shock enough to give the cats the food they so richly deserved, Todd came home.
"Hi honey, how was your morning?" He asked, noting Darqstar was sitting quietly on the couch, not reading, not watching TV, just staring aimlessly into space.
A full minute passed before Darqstar turned to him. "If you're real smart love," she said, her voice trembling. "You won't ask."
And Darqstar, Todd, and the Kitties lived happily ever after... or for the next ten minutes, until the cats though of another way to torture her.